It seems that 2013 for me is becoming quite the unsettled year. Many, many ups, and many, many downs. Unfortunately for me, these last few weeks I have been quite down. Which upsets me when I think about it as I know on the surface my life is really good. Which then leads to feelings of guilt and finally depression. And it’s terrible how one bad mood can become a huge downward spiral.
I’ve been lurking around Facebook and Instagram, posting things I love in an attempt to pep me up. The sad thing is that the only thing that has been making me feel (temporarily) good lately is food and a boy, but we will get to the boy later. Back to food, sweet food. Delicious sweet comfort food. I am sure many of you can relate too and it’s something that I’ve done since I was a child. Think about it, when we were good, we were rewarded with sweets. Celebrations equalled sweets, therefore in my shitty state and many other peoples bad moods too, we begin to have sweet delicious affairs with junk food. They make us feel a million dollars at the same and a short while after, we are left feeling back in our crap depressive state. Which for most people can be a vicious cycle.
So why am I sad? A couple of reasons. Work can be stressful, especially being self-employed. Having a product can also be more stressful when you take a leap of faith and release something when you aren’t a household name like Michelle Bridges. I feel like it’s uphill battle with a 50 kilo backpack strapped on. My career in fitness and in modelling places a huge emphasis on your body and how you look. Especially these days where everyone is trying to become ‘a fucking hot rig’ which is the opposite end of my body type. These days models and fitness professionals are expected to look like professional athletes and move like them too. I’m happy with my somewhat soft toosh and feel there is nothing wrong with having cake for breakfast if it’s in moderation. But the more stressed I got, the more sad and depressed I became, junk food became the top of the list in terms of food intake.
Apart from looking at food to make me happy, I was looking for other people to make me happy. Not necessarily finding happiness in myself, but relying on others, which is a huge no-no. That’s when shit hit the fan. My best friend has moved to NYC. I lost a couple of close friends. And finally, I met someone! I know! This single gal finally went out on a successful date and met someone very suited to me… to then find out they are moving to Canada… indefinitely. And that’s when I cracked. Autopilot kicked in and I felt food was my only friend.
It was then and there my mood spiraled down even more. Thinking about the fact I want a career in health, helping people and instead, I’m having martini’s for dinner and thickshakes for breakfast. Who would want to work with me? How on earth am I going to help people? I hate feeling vulnerable and like my shit’s not together. It made me not want to blog, or accept new clients, answer emails or anything that involved coming into contact with people as I was afraid I would affect them with my bad mood. Irrationally I was also afraid they would take out their pitch forks from their back pockets and mass crowds would form around me chanting how much of a fraud I am. It was then, on Monday night around 11.30pm, among a lot of tears and tissues I decided that things in my life had to change.
I looked around and my room and life seemed like the inside of my head. A mess. Thinking back to Anthony Robbins, I know all too well that if I don’t make a change, then things will stay the same. I can’t rely on other people for my happiness. So I made an appointment to see my energy healer and I also made a list of things I wanted to do.
The main thing that came up was boundaries which I am currently working on. I spoke with Renee Longworth, my awesome energy healer about things I needed to do to develop boundaries and I decided the first step was purchasing a personal phone, and not carrying my work mobile with me everywhere. Yesterday I walked into Optus and 30 minutes later I came out with the new iPhone 5 which I love. I love it because only a very few select have the number. And it will be the only phone that will be carried around when I am not at work. Progress in the boundaries department!
The good news is I am starting to feel better. I’m also reframing this situation as a learning experience which I plan to use when I coach clients and in my book I will be releasing later this year. The sad thing is a lot of people experience depression. More than you would ever know. The thing I think is worse is that people have no idea how to deal with it. I’m not saying it’s as simple as buying a personal phone. But little steps eventuate to walking a mile. And I think for me and maybe a lot of you too it might just be a case of taking a lot of little steps. I see this whole experience as something I can pass on to others. As I figure I would rather get first hand advice from someone who has actually been there, done that and managed to get themselves out of it.
Stay tuned over the next couple of days to see some steps I am taking to improve my mood and happiness. Even if you are feeling just a little under the weather, approach these little steps of happiness I will be sharing with love, implement them into your life and note the change.