The weather outside seemingly fits my mood today. Somewhat cold and rather grim. Leading on from my last two posts I’ve been quite depressed lately. I’ve been trying everything possible to lift my mood. And for some reason now on the surface it seems all pretty and shiny but I don’t think what I have been doing has made much of an improvement or dent in my bad mood.
Although all of my little steps of happiness are helping on the surface, my mood deep down felt like my insides were decaying. As soon as I stop doing, tears would start to form and my eyes would well up. Even at work. Even at the shops, or just chatting with a random.
I believe that to be the worst thing ever. When you feel so highly strung like you can’t control your emotions and you feel so vulnerable. This has been me lately.
My mum having major surgery and me having an incredible amount of alone time had my mood slide down even further to the dumps. It probably didn’t help I was also sleep deprived, eating felt like a struggle to do for most days which made just drinking alcohol for a whole lot easier.
I had also had a couple of verbal and text disagreements from the guy I was seeing who is moving to Canada. Well, not seeing, as that’s what most of our arguments were about. Instigated by me. What is it that seemingly makes me so disposable to men? I guess looking at the situation, I realised that the next time someone pops into my life I have to think will they stand beside me and hold my hand or walk ahead and have me chasing them, always seeking their approval. Realising that before I start to fall hard and open my heart.
Also work stress too. But then I don’t know many self-employed people who go about their day being so carefree. But maybe one day that will be me?
In terms of when the fuck I actually cracked and realised I need to take action, Wednesday was the worst day. Maybe a bit of a stretch but I am going to say that I lost about a good litre of tears that day. There we go, crying diet – lose weight fast, I can’t totally see it now… But back to my story.
I picked mum up from her major operation and for one of the few times in my life, I needed her but she needed me more. So whatever was going on in this brain of mine I basically had to suck up and get over it for the time being. Not so easy.
It all unravelled. Mum showed me the site of her operation and asked if it looked okay and for some reason no words came out, only tears and that horrible noise you make when you cry so much you feel like your lungs are closing over. I felt terrible, that I was so defective and I couldn’t even be there for the person who meant the most to me.
Three days on I’m okay now. I guess. But that’s most likely a lie. Yesterday I headed to my naturopath and instead of taking the prescription pharmaceutical approach, I decided to get to the root of the problem.
I didn’t really know how antidepressants worked. I just knew I didn’t want to take them. When I was a lot younger, I think I was about 19 or 20, I started dating a guy. He was on antidepressants and mixed his medications to take whatever he could get his hands on. One night tried to kill himself in front of me. A few weeks later our relationship ended and it happened again. And I was blamed.
The thought of taking them made that thought pop into my head instantaneously and I didn’t want to feel more out of control to drugs who were more powerful than my current state.
So looking at the natural approach I’m taking two things. A herbal mixture containing a mix of St Johns Wart, saffron and rhodiola. And finally 5-HTP, a product involved in the biosynthesis of serotonin.
The only downside is that it will apparently take 2 weeks for things to work. Honestly every eyelash I find on my face and every time I see 11:11 I am praying that it works a lot damn sooner. As right now it’s almost 11am and I’ve been sitting in bed wide awake for the past 4 hours. I just feel like I am sitting wasting my life and the sad thing is I don’t care anymore.
I know I will get better and feel better but the dreamer in me just wants things to be better instantly and the world to be filled with roses, rainbows and smiles.
I remember about 2 or so months back seeing something on Facebook about how people wouldn’t have depression if they just exercised and ate well… Well I can honestly say that that’s a pile of poop. And you know that’s one of the reasons I felt so guilty and didn’t want to do anything either, because I figure if I kept pretending to smile, exercising when I didn’t want to and making myself eat food I didn’t want to eat right now I would get better. And guess what, it was happening and I wasn’t getting any better.
I keep telling myself if the sun came out my good mood would too. But then I know that’s a lie and now I am making excuses. Back and forward texts with said future Canadian has probably ended any future conversations between us for good. The whole thing makes me sad when I think about it but I’m trying to see the whole situation as an eye opener for what I want in a relationship. Mum is still alive in bed so I must be doing something right and I guess the cat is too, so things aren’t that bad. I’m not killing my family members. Sweet!
I hope my next entry is a little more positive. But that being said, I guess sometimes we don’t need positivity to make change, we need to hit the bottom to find out where we need to go next.
“If you feel like you’re having a melt-down and can’t cope with the intensity of everyone and everything, please remember:
When things get so overwhelming that you reach your limit of what you will and won’t accept, that’s when everything begins to improve.
That’s when you put your foot down to the universe and unequivocally state your intentions. That’s when you find your power, and the universe responds.
You realize in these moments what’s truly important to you. You are forced to get honest with yourself and others about the necessary changes you’ve got to make.
When you’re pressed against the wall of life, you find the inner strength, motivation, and courage to make those changes.
We’re all going through this together. You’ve got lots of company on this upward path!”