me, lately.

It seems that 2013 for me is becoming quite the unsettled year. Many, many ups, and many, many downs. Unfortunately for me, these last few weeks I have been quite down. Which upsets me when I think about it as I know on the surface my life is really good. Which then leads to feelings of guilt and finally depression. And it’s terrible how one bad mood can become a huge downward spiral.

me, lately | pilatesevolutionnow.com
I’ve been lurking around Facebook and Instagram, posting things I love in an attempt to pep me up. The sad thing is that the only thing that has been making me feel (temporarily) good lately is food and a boy, but we will get to the boy later. Back to food, sweet food. Delicious sweet comfort food. I am sure many of you can relate too and it’s something that I’ve done since I was a child. Think about it, when we were good, we were rewarded with sweets. Celebrations equalled sweets, therefore in my shitty state and many other peoples bad moods too, we begin to have sweet delicious affairs with junk food. They make us feel a million dollars at the same and a short while after, we are left feeling back in our crap depressive state. Which for most people can be a vicious cycle.

So why am I sad? A couple of reasons. Work can be stressful, especially being self-employed. Having a product can also be more stressful when you take a leap of faith and release something when you aren’t a household name like Michelle Bridges. I feel like it’s uphill battle with a 50 kilo backpack strapped on. My career in fitness and in modelling places a huge emphasis on your body and how you look. Especially these days where everyone is trying to become ‘a fucking hot rig’ which is the opposite end of my body type. These days models and fitness professionals are expected to look like professional athletes and move like them too. I’m happy with my somewhat soft toosh and feel there is nothing wrong with having cake for breakfast if it’s in moderation. But the more stressed I got, the more sad and depressed I became, junk food became the top of the list in terms of food intake.

Apart from looking at food to make me happy, I was looking for other people to make me happy. Not necessarily finding happiness in myself, but relying on others, which is a huge no-no. That’s when shit hit the fan. My best friend has moved to NYC. I lost a couple of close friends. And finally, I met someone! I know! This single gal finally went out on a successful date and met someone very suited to me… to then find out they are moving to Canada… indefinitely. And that’s when I cracked. Autopilot kicked in and I felt food was my only friend.

It was then and there my mood spiraled down even more. Thinking about the fact I want a career in health, helping people and instead, I’m having martini’s for dinner and thickshakes for breakfast. Who would want to work with me? How on earth am I going to help people? I hate feeling vulnerable and like my shit’s not together. It made me not want to blog, or accept new clients, answer emails or anything that involved coming into contact with people as I was afraid I would affect them with my bad mood. Irrationally I was also afraid they would take out their pitch forks from their back pockets and mass crowds would form around me chanting how much of a fraud I am. It was then, on Monday night around 11.30pm, among a lot of tears and tissues I decided that things in my life had to change.

I'm not giving up, I'm just starting over | pilatesevolutionnow.com

I looked around and my room and life seemed like the inside of my head. A mess. Thinking back to Anthony Robbins, I know all too well that if I don’t make a change, then things will stay the same. I can’t rely on other people for my happiness. So I made an appointment to see my energy healer and I also made a list of things I wanted to do.

The main thing that came up was boundaries which I am currently working on. I spoke with Renee Longworth, my awesome energy healer about things I needed to do to develop boundaries and I decided the first step was purchasing a personal phone, and not carrying my work mobile with me everywhere. Yesterday I walked into Optus and 30 minutes later I came out with the new iPhone 5 which I love. I love it because only a very few select have the number. And it will be the only phone that will be carried around when I am not at work. Progress in the boundaries department!

The good news is I am starting to feel better. I’m also reframing this situation as a learning experience which I plan to use when I coach clients and in my book I will be releasing later this year. The sad thing is a lot of people experience depression. More than you would ever know. The thing I think is worse is that people have no idea how to deal with it. I’m not saying it’s as simple as buying a personal phone. But little steps eventuate to walking a mile. And I think for me and maybe a lot of you too it might just be a case of taking a lot of little steps. I see this whole experience as something I can pass on to others. As I figure I would rather get first hand advice from someone who has actually been there, done that and managed to get themselves out of it.

Stay tuned over the next couple of days to see some steps I am taking to improve my mood and happiness. Even if you are feeling just a little under the weather, approach these little steps of happiness I will be sharing with love, implement them into your life and note the change.

lovepeta

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10 comments
  1. Kathy said:

    Sending you positive energies Peta! Glad to hear you are feeling better too! Stay strong! :)

  2. hugs, lady!!! one step is all it takes, and you are on your way…
    sometimes we need to pause and refocus on what is important, don’t beat yourself up about it xx

  3. It was a good to read this Peta, I’m actually in the same headspace and have been for some time, and haven’t been sure how to get out of my funk. Be looking forward to reading your posts in the next few days. I’ll be writing some lists and making a vision board and getting myself organised. We can do it :-)

    • of course we can beautiful xxxx hope you are okay.

  4. Sharna said:

    Peta, are you me in another body? But serial, I relate so much to most of what you experience and feel. I have that mind frame also at present and this is pretty much exactly the step my psychologist gave this week.

  5. Ailsa said:

    Hi Peta, I found your blog a few months back – I think it was your awesome foam roller video that hooked me in – I’ve been checking on you regularly ever since. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’ve been feeling low. I can relate, I suffered from quite a deep depression for many years and I know how frustrating it can be to feel like you are in a battle just to stay afloat. I applaud you for being so honest with your readers, you are very brave.

    You have your own path and I’m sure you’re finding your way just fine. For me after about 2 years of working with counsellors and physiologists who strongly emphasised CBT, I ended up winding myself into knots trying to be this perfect, calm, happy person. Following the “if you act it, the emotion will come” school of thought. I found it exhausting. In the end I went to see a shrink who took me to the root of my insecurities, it was really hard work but worth it in the end.

    At the end of the day you are deserving of love, you are special and you are a good person. If you don’t believe that you need to find someone who helps you see that you are.

    Have you heard of a book called “the good life” by Hugh Mackay? I think you would like it.

    Surround yourself with people who make you feel it’s okay to be sad, because it is, it’s a normal emotion that’s important to feel and process. I also makes feeling happy all the more special,

    take care of yourself! xx

    • Thanks so much. I am currently doing up a new post about it now. It just feels bad when life feels hard and you just spontaneously burst out crying all the time! Over it and am ready for change!!! Thanks for the recommendation, I will check it out xxx

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